HOW TO CHANGE

WHAT IS DATING VIOLENCE?

Dating Violence is a pattern of behavior in a relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and/or control over an intimate partner. Teen Power and Control Wheel.

Domestic and dating violence is a pattern of physical, emotional, verbal and psychological abuse that occurs in an intimate relationship. One partner has complete control over the relationship and often causes their boyfriend/girlfriend to be afraid and intimidated. Dating violence can happen to anyone regardless of race, class, age, sexual orientation, gender or religion. Although we know men can also be victims of domestic violence, statistics show that domestic violence is primarily a crime against women with 85% of all victims reported as females. (Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Date Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, February 2003.)

WHAT DOES AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP FEEL LIKE?

In an unhealthy and abusive relationship, the abusive dating partner will often display the following behaviors:

• Jealous and possessive of you
• Won't let you have friends, checks up on you
• Gets too serious about the relationship too fast
• Tries to control you by being very bossy, giving orders, making all the decisions
• Doesn't take your opinions seriously
• You worry about how they will react to things you say or do
• Threatens you or intimidates you with weapons
• Won't accept breaking up
• Pressures you for sex
• Doesn't help you take responsibility for protection against STD's and pregnancy
• Attempts to guilt-trip you by saying, "If you really loved me you would..."
• Abuses drugs or alcohol and pressures you to take them
• Blames you when they mistreat you - says you made them do it and led them on

HOW TO GET HELP

• Talk to someone who understands and who you can trust – maybe a friend, parent, teacher, or counselor. It’s okay to feel nervous and scared about telling someone what’s happening to you and maybe you’re embarrassed or feel guilty that your boyfriend or girlfriend may get in trouble. Know that you are not alone.
• You have a right to legal protection. Abuse is illegal and the abuser can get arrested for hurting you. You can also file a Temporary Restraining Order or a TRO but if you’re under the age of 18, you must have a parent or legal guardian file for one on your behalf. Click here to find out how.
• The Domestic Violence Action Center has a helpline that is available Monday through Friday from 9:00 AM to 3:00 PM. Anyone can call – you don’t have to give us your name and you don’t need permission to talk with us. Maybe you have a question or just need someone to listen. Our services are anonymous and confidential. Call (808) 531-3771 or toll-free for neighbor islands at 1-800-690-6200.

HOW CAN YOU HELP A FRIEND IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?

• Let them talk... don't interrupt!
• Believe them! Don't blame them!
• Recognize that it takes a lot of courage to get support
• Tell them it's not their fault and let them know they don't deserve to be hurt
• Help point out unfairness of how they are being treated, but don't judge
• Don't put down the abusive partner, they will likely try to defend them
• Remember that they may feel embarrassed, guilty, and confused
• Suggest help and resources for your friend

WHAT CAN YOU DO TO HELP AN ABUSER?

Abusers often use their power in a relationship to control what their partner does, who they see, and even how they think. Help your friend take responsibility for their own emotions. Let them know that having feelings of jealousy, anger and insecurity is normal; but it is not okay to use those feelings to control and intimidate others. Also, remind your friend that putting blame on others is not a sign of a healthy relationship and encourage them to work on compromise, understanding, and building a relationship based upon respect, honesty and equality. Remember that asking for help is a sign of personal strength, and unless they get help they may lose the people they care about.

A NOTE TO PARENTS AND OTHER ADULTS

Navigating those complicated teen years is rough on both the teens themselves and their adult supporters. Dating can make this time even more difficult, especially when teens become involved in unhealthy relationships that cause us to worry about their safety and well-being. We want parents, teachers, counselors and other adult supporters of teens to know that the Teen Alert Program is here for you folks, too. If you have a question, are looking for resources, or want more information, please don't hesitate to call us. (808) 531-3771 or 1-800-690-6200.